When the Void Stares Back! First at Manchester #6

Hey, it’s me, Zog! You might remember my report from a couple of months ago, I’m #3 So Should Probably Try Harder, where I played in the Nintendo UK Winter Championship. It was a great day out in the capital, but the absolutely brutal best-of-one single elimination format left no room for mistakes in a tournament stacked with quality players.

This time, I headed out to play in Manchester Tournament #6, the UK’s biggest annual grassroots tournament and an all-round heap of fun. Organised by Chris Barton (Havak) and the rest of the amazing staff, the Manchester Gamerbase tournaments have always been the best of grassroots Pokémon, with the best competitors in the UK flocking to play for piles of goodies and a pretty glass trophy, but most importantly a good time. Though we’ve been stricken with venue closures over the past couple of years, the team’s worked hard to keep the tournaments alive, and Manchester #6 gave a great show for their efforts!

So, now for my story! A bit of a warning, it’s a little longer than my last one but I promise it’s a good read. Let’s begin! In a slightly dodgy seaside town in the North of Wales, there lived a Zog...

A Team Forged in the Fires of Mount Doom

Now, I had pretty much no idea what I’d be running on the Saturday until the Thursday came. So, after an amusing excursion to a Neolithic-style stone circle wherein we conducted a sort-of-pagan ritual involving rum, Jagermeister, grass-flavoured vodka and some truly disgusting spiced tomato juice (And a cameraphone, of course), myself and besties Andy Perrott (Shoe) and Jack Treble (Rebel) decided to have a go at some teambuilding. We put some sweet combos together and, over a few episodes of Archer, me and Andy gave it a go on Pokémon Showdown. After several hours had passed and it occurred that we hadn’t lost a single game between us, we realised we’d created one sexy monster of a Pokémon team.

It did everything I could ever want a team to do: my playing style in everything has always been to go for extreme power and maximum efficiency. And probably the most important thing for me is to be able to come back from anything, and never give up! So most of the teams I’m comfortable with involve Pokémon with massive stats (Alternatively “STATS!”) that have complementing resistances and can easily switch with each other, and then come back from a bad start. By our powers combined, we’d made a team that worked perfectly, and on its first draft too. So here it is!

They’ve Come a Long Way, Baby: Returning Team Members

There are some Pokémon that I just like too much. So they came back from my London team, in style. Oh yeah, and while I'm at it, if you aren't well-versed in... '90s electronic music, you might have missed how my last report was named after my favourite album art ever, Fatboy Slim's You've Come a Long Way, Baby. Just... getting that out there.

Satisfaction- Benny Benassi

“Push me. And then just touch me. Till I can get my. Satisfaction.”

Garchomp (F) @ Lum Berry

Ability: Rough Skin

EVs: 4 HP / 252 Attack / 252 Speed

Jolly Nature

- Earthquake

- Dragon Claw

- Rock Slide

- Protect

I love my Garchomp. I’ve brought her to almost literally every game I’ve played since X and Y, and with good reason: forget Mega Kangaskhan, Garchomp is the best Pokémon in the metagame. It never goes down without doing anything, and can cope with pretty much whatever the opponent throws at it. On top of that, it has a great typing that means I can switch in into things easily.

On the downside, as I said in my last report, I still think there’s only one way to let Garchomp do its best, and that’s by running the standard set. Though that might sound like Garchomp is a boring Pokémon, I really don’t think it is. With Sand Veil thankfully irrelevant, and because its moves do such varied things, and how it provides a check to some of the most dominating offensive forces in the game, Garchomp’s all about what you do with it so it’s loads of fun to play with and against. Plus, I think people only think it’s boring because everyone knows its most popular moveset. If you know the game, you should know what every Pokémon can do, anyway.

You might notice that I’ve changed its item from an Expert Belt into a Lum Berry. This was literally an on-the-train-there decision, and made to give me a real answer to the popular Charizard-Y/Venusaur lead that Havak had given me trouble with in London. However, it ended up helping against something I’d forgotten entirely, as you’ll see later.

Setting Sun- The Chemical Brothers feat. Noel Gallagher

“You’re the devil in me I brought in frooom the coooooold.”

Charizard (M) @ Charizardite Y

Ability: Solar Power/Drought

EVs: 100 HP / 252 Special Attack / 148 Speed / 4 Defense

Modest Nature

- Overheat

- Heat Wave

- Solar Beam

- Protect

Setting Sun is my other shiny I brought back to play with. He didn’t see much action at all in London, though: since I was running Mawile back then, and it had a better matchup against all but one of my opponents. Though he was an unusual spread in London, when everyone was using timid with maxed speed for some reason, this set’s since become pretty popular, so I wasn’t expecting anyone at all to be surprised by its bulkiness: probably a testament as to how strong Charizard-Y is even if your opponent guesses what you’re doing. I mean, come on, overheat even one-hit KOs stuff that resists it.

I brought Charizard-Y when I needed some game-controlling power, especially against slower teams.

If my opponent’s team had too much initiative and used faster Pokémon, I didn’t pick him, basically.

So, in the end, he was picked as my mega roughly half the time, and won me the game every time he was.

Forgive Me- Infected Mushroom

“Can you show me one more time?”

Amoonguss (M) @ Black Sludge

Ability: Regenerator

EVs: 204 HP / 124 Defense / 4 Special Attack / 172 Special Defense / 12 Speed

Sassy Nature

- Giga Drain

- Rage Powder

- Spore

- Protect

In the testing phases, Amoonguss was actually something I didn’t tend to bring at all, and he felt like the team’s sixth wheel, if you will. Most of the time the opponent’s team carried too much firepower for him to be useful, especially on rating battles, with half of the people online seemingly having a vendetta against it. But, after Forgive Me’s usefulness in London, I decided to... forgive him (Sigh) and make a UK metagame call, and bring him anyway: a decision that would later prove invaluable.

The only thing that’s been changed is that his Sitrus Berry’s gone, making way for a Black Sludge. Though I didn’t like it initially, it worked out well, since the games I brought Amoonguss to were the slower-paced games where his purpose was to hog the field and put things to sleep, and the choice of Sludge let him do his job better than if I’d kept the berry. As for the Sitrus Berry? Well...

New Kids on the Block: Honestly Could it Mean Anything Other Than New Team Members?

The old team needed a bit of a spark added, so with Andy’s help we gave it a new spin with these guys!

Bar Bar Bar- Crayon Pop

“Get... set... readyyyy... GO!”

Azumarill (F) @ Sitrus Berry

Ability: Huge Power

EVs: 212 HP / 252 Atk / 4 Defense / 36 Special Defense / 4 Speed

Adamant Nature

- Play Rough

- Aqua Jet

- Belly Drum

- Protect

If you’ve hung around the internet long enough, or met anybody who has and is even remotely weird, you will have encountered South Korean pop music. It’s as glossy and fake-looking as Nicki Minaj’s bottom, yet as the many fans of either can tell you, that doesn’t matter. Crayon Pop are one such girl group. Their musical act consists of wearing striped horse-riding helmets and coloured tracksuits, then jumping around a lot. While this might sound like what I imagine a posh scouser does at the weekend, it’s surprisingly alright. Their totally sweet but weirdly gym-friendly smash hit Bar Bar Bar is like a protein shake made of blended Peeps, or a crossfitter in a frilly dress who can actually lift properly. Whichever you find closest, Bar Bar Bar represents everything Azumarill brings to the table: terrifying power, in a sweet little package.

Far better than its usage stats outside of Japan would seem to indicate, I brought Bar Bar Bar to nearly every game, and she proved her worth tenfold. The fact I only needed to use Belly Drum, like, twice would indicate how strong she is without it. She’s trained specifically to activate Sitrus Berry after a belly drum, everything else basically being a case of “Let’s just have as many stats as possible”. Bar Bar Bar was one of my favourite new additions, and was great friends with the next new member of the team...

GAL-O Sengen- Policeman

“...Yeah. GAL-O Sengen.”

Manectric (M) @ Manectite

Ability: Lightningrod/Intimidate

EVs: 4 HP / 252 Special Attack / 252 Speed

IVs: Something even, I don’t have a clue Attack / 30 Defense

Timid Nature

- Thunderbolt

- Volt Switch

- Hidden Power (Ice)

- Protect

A deeply tanned Super Saiyan suddenly appears from inside an electric sunbed, smirking directly at you and revealing an impossibly chiselled torso and some shockingly nice hair. It’s no wonder this thing has Intimidate...

He’s brash, he’s blingy and he gets all the girls. But beneath the surface, GAL-O Sengen’s just another lad, and he needs his mates there to shine. Mega Manectric’s one of the weaker mega evolutions, but he’s got great stats for an electric type and the valuable Intimidate, which really makes things easier for his teammates. His best asset is his speed, which lets him attack basically whatever he wants with classic electric/ice coverage. Probably worth noting is how I opted out of using a fire move: I think it’s best to be able to choose if you want to switch out after using an electric move, and with Charizard-Y on my team, I’ll probably just pick him if I need a good fire move. Hidden Power Ice is extremely important for Manectric, and he can’t properly function without it.

My favourite way of using GAL-O Sengen, and one of the first combinations we came up with before testing, was to have him out alongside Azumarill, protecting her from electric moves with Lightningrod. Though Andy’s initial incarnation used a modest nature, I switched to timid nature to ensure he could outspeed Greninja, Noivern, scarf Smeargle and nooby max speed Talonflames. It only worked out against one of those things, though. So like most things with bleach-blond hair and angst, in the end, it didn’t even matter. Eheh. That was bad.

Heads Will Roll- Yeah Yeah Yeahs

“Off, off with your head, dance ‘til you’re dead”

Aegislash (M) @ Weakness Policy

Ability: Stance Change

EVs: 252 HP / 4 Attack / 252 Special Attack

Quiet Nature

- Flash Cannon

- Shadow Ball

- Shadow Sneak

- King’s Shield

Aegislash. It’s really weird. I’d stayed away from using it, simply out of not being bothered to breed one, but since James (Ninjames), aside from actually owning a freakin’ huge sword and full suit of armour (The helmet looks like Robocop’s but better, wow), had also bred me one hex-perfect, I thought I’d give it a go. And it’s so, so good.

The ghost typing, priority, and inherent mindgames associated with Aegislash were exactly what I needed to round off the team. Weakness Policy is far and away its best item in my opinion, and this is my favourite (albeit pretty obvious) set for it. Again like Garchomp and Mawile, Aegislash does exactly as well as how you play it, so it’s all about judging your opponent and predicting what they might do.

And so, within the space of about 10 minutes (or one episode of Zap de Spion), myself and Andy had come up with a beautiful team.

A Mostly Expected Journey

Literally one day passed, during which I remembered I still hadn’t trained up our team. So, with the deadline looming overhead, I decided it was time for serious business. Donning a (let’s call it ceremonial) dragon costume and hopped up on far too many cups of Chinese tea, I forfeited bedtime, put some ridiculous trance music on the stereo and set to work. I’m not even sure entirely what I got up to, to be honest. I think there were weights involved? Piri-piri sauce? Eating loads of seaweed? Getting hooked on those videos of people with like seven DSs lined up in a row and they’re trying to find shinies? Only God knows the rest. All I can remember properly is abusing James, because who cares if you spent sixty quid or whatever last week on Domino’s and going to see that rubbish Frankenstein film, and yes I appreciate that we’re going on an expedition to Africa in a few weeks and you need to save money for it and that but come on mate, this is Pokémon we’re talking about.

Soon, the morning came, so I met up with my brother Adam, Jack and Andy and we all got on the train. It was a fun train journey, and until we got to Crewe everything was going to plan. Bizarrely, we ended up running back and forth between two platforms and through a train which we then realised wasn’t actually our train, a situation not helped in the slightest by incorrect boards and the man on the PA sounding exactly like Droopy the dog, and consequently being unintelligible. So we found a small amount of respite in looking at a mural with a house on it that looked weirdly like a smirking face (The station hated us, ah tell thee) and waited twenty minutes for our train, which it turned out had been delayed. On the next leg of the journey I cloned the team to give to Andy, making sure that I’d renicknamed everything and swapped out the shinies, so if we ended up playing the same people, they wouldn’t realise we had the same team. This’d cost him a game and top cut at Nationals last year, when Bellanko smartly noticed that Andy had the exact same team I’d beaten him with earlier in the day. Eventually, we arrived in Manchester, and headed through the city. I was convinced that TV21, the venue, was next to the bus station, so led the boys through the unusually long lobby and out the other end. At this point I realised that I had in fact led everyone into the court in which the buses turn around, so we all had to run through the bus concourse and out onto some actual pedestrian land so Adam could check Google Maps and see where we were. It turned out that, with ten minutes left to register, the venue was actually quite a way away so we had to run there and make sure we were able to register.

In case you were wondering at this point, funnily enough, yes, I did manage to register in time. The queue started in the bar area and ominously twisted and turned deep into the building’s bowels, setting the scene for the biggest ever basement-based UK Pokémon manfest. I had a chat with people, gave a guy my spare shiny Clawitzer so he had a full team, and got myself a rum and coke with the free drink token from entering. The place was heaving with people, with 99 competitors, loads of spectators and the air a thick 50/50 mixture of anticipation and perspiration. There were a few issues that the staff couldn’t really help with there being so few of them, but they all worked hard to keep things going and soon round one was on the boards.

Round 1 vs Daniel Oztekin (Necrocat219)

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After a while of being stuck in the hallway with the rest of the kettled trainers, fruitlessly explaining to a trolling Shaun (foodking) that no, I’m not actually gay, who told you I’m gay, etc., amusing as it was I was ready for a game. Incidentally Jack had been matched with foodking in the first round, losing because he didn’t know that Clawitzer’s Aura Sphere hit Cloyster super effectively. He’s still in training, so baby steps I suppose. His previous tournament had been a 2-5 run at last year’s nationals, running a divecats team (Codenamed “The Pussy Patrol”) in which, amusingly, the Purrloin had Limber, which was entirely my fault. If any of you don’t remember, divecats relied entirely on abusing Prankster, so the cats could use Assist and disappear first thing in the turn with Shadow Force, then reappear last thanks to holding Lagging Tail. Instead, this Purrloin disappeared last, then reappeared last, meaning it basically just got KOed failtastically every single game. In case you’re wondering where I’m going with this paragraph, and where my Round 1 is, that’s exactly what I was thinking at the time: there were just too many people in the area to conceivably get everybody sat down for matches, so they were being played in batches upstairs, and mine was one of the last ones to get done. Eventually, Necrocat219 found me, so we went upstairs to play the first round.

With literally nowhere else to sit, we settled down next between a fire door and a pretty big statue of a xenomorph from Alien, and get ready to play. I’ll begin with a disclaimer that this match was very long, so don’t expect a play-by-play: watch the video, I do have other things to do, you know. I lead with Garchomp and Azumarill to his Scrafty and Venusaur. He quickly switched out Scrafty for Aegislash and I noticed that it and Venusaur were sporting the awesome nicknames of Lunar Clock and Black Lotus respectively. Touhou and Magic: the Gathering being possibly the most alpha-nerd things of all time, I knew I’d be in for a fight. That, and the fact that my team contained a grand total of zero counters to Mega Venusaur. I was in a tricky situation already, and had to switch into Amoonguss and fish for flinches with rock slide, playing the long game. Stuff happened, favourite 2hus were discussed (Komachi all the way, just saying) and I managed to make a comeback by going in for the KO with Charizard’s Overheat on Venusaur, and putting everything to sleep with Amoonguss, who actually healed 100% of his health back with Black Sludge, to give you some idea how long this game was (21 turns). Towards the end, I was put in a tight spot when his Aegislash used Rock Slide (!), landing a necessary critical hit on Azumarill and a flinch on Amoonguss, but I managed to seal it with my own Garchomp right at the end. An extremely difficult game to begin the day, and it’s no wonder that Necrocat219 went unbeaten for the rest of swiss and on to top cut.

1-0

Round 2 vs Matthew Friar

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Things were beginning to pick up, and the second round was announced in a lot better time than the last. Fairly quickly, Matthew found me and we went upstairs and got a table to play at. It was his first tournament, but you couldn’t tell from how he was playing.

Leading Charizard and Amoonguss to his Klefki and Blastoise, I go all in and Heat Wave/Giga Drain Blastoise, worst case scenario being a Fake Out on Charizard and a Safeguard from Klefki. He Fake Outs Amoonguss, and Heat Wave KOs Klefki regardless of the Light Screen it set up. Next he brings in Talonflame, so I predict the Brave Bird and switch in Aegislash, while Overheating Talonflame because I’d already totally forgotten about Light Screen (this becomes a theme), so it survives on a very low amount of health. From that point I’m in a good position, and basically play the safe moves to make sure I come out winning. Good game!

2-0

Round 3 vs Jake Birch (WhiteAfroKing92)

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Now, let me just say, this is one of the most alcoholic Pokémon matches I’ve ever played, and one of the funniest. Jake was legitimately playing in full drunken monkey mode, except instead of pretending to be drunk to psych out the opponent, he was five pints down and cracking open the second bottle of wine of an eventual five, therefore breaking the laws of physics to be playing at all let alone so well. I cannot comprehend how he managed, given the fact I tend to be gone after two glasses, never mind that much. The only explanation is that the bar was secretly serving shandy and melted cider lollies then calling it booze, but if I’m honest it probably wasn’t. Anyway, he drank so much he quite literally wound up in Satan’s Hollow, so there you go.

After engaging in Bantyranitar for longer than it took most people to finish, it seemed appropriate to actually play our game. As I’ve been informed by my brother’s friend Christopher who lost to him last round (And would again in top cut), Jake leads with Blastoise and Smeargle to my Manectric and Azumarill, something I’m not too happy about. Smeargle is probably my least favourite Pokémon in the metagame, and it left a mark on this tournament worth thinking about. After doing the classic double-protect lead, next turn I find out the hard way that Manectric doesn’t actually outspeed scarf Smeargle, when I could’ve sworn it did. But thankfully, Dark Void misses Azumarill and gives me a better chance at winning. GAL-O Sengen meanwhile gets hit by a Water Spout which ruins his hair so badly he faints. After I put Blastoise to sleep, Jake switches his Hydreigon into a seemingly obvious Play Rough, which I’m going to put down to the wine, and Play Rough critical hits Blastoise, which fortunately Jake didn’t notice because he was laughing too much. Finally, Aegislash goes down, and it’s a win for me. Top game, top lad! It’s no surprise that he goes straight to top cut. Time to get another drink!

3-0

Round 4 vs Samuel East

vs ?

Regrettably, I totally derped here and forgot to save the battle video, but it was a good one. Samuel managed to find me in the busy basement, so we went upstairs and caught a seat next to the Miller brothers, who’d unfortunately been matched up together. I can’t remember exactly what happened, other than my Aegislash being critical hit in the first turn by a Salamence Fire Blast, and going on to one-hit KO said offending Salamence and then Mega Kangaskhan with Flash Cannon thanks to Weakness Policy. Basically, I was ballsy with Aegislash and it paid off. Good game!

4-0

Round 5 vs Rina Purdy

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Again, I totally derped and forgot to save the video. Thanks Rina! After my mum and dad came to visit and drop off some suncream and a headtorch that I’d left at home and will be needing in a few weeks, and to give Adam the mysterious package he’d ordered, myself and Rina head upstairs to play our game, and sit on the weirdest bar seating I’ve ever encountered. It was just a standard pub bench, except it was facing the wall with only about a foot of legroom and right in front of a cabinet containing a shirt that said Robocop on it for some reason. Since my dog is the only person I know who’ll happily sit facing the wall, I’m calling that weird. I give Steve the Salamence a little stroke, since he’d recently returned from getting lost at Stansted airport, where he was described in the lost and found as simply “Blue toy with coloured bow tie. Dragon?”. The poor little mite.

So, I lead with Aegislash and Amoonguss to Gardevoir and... Kecleon! The first turn goes pretty bizarrely, with Kecleon Shadow Sneaking right into my Weakness Policy, and Gardevoir going down straight away to a boosted Flash Cannon. In hindsight, I should’ve realised that Kecleon was carrying a Choice Band and played accordingly, but then I remember that I’d actually had a fair amount to drink so I would’ve been in a state of Kecleon-induced shock, as should everybody else in the room. After a few sloppy plays, I get back on form and clean up with my Garchomp and Charizard. It ends with dragon vs dragon: Satisfaction on Steve. Because my favourite dragon is faster, that means it’s better, so I rather harshly kick Steve back into the proverbial airport lounge whence he came. Thanks for the game!

5-0

Afterwards, Rina shows me her obscene amount of shinies (How can one person hatch so many? How?), and I’m happy knowing that four of my five opponents ended up top cutting, and myself and Andy have finished swiss unbeaten in first and second seed- how’s that for proving a team? There’s been a little bit of a mixup earlier in the tournament, so being first seed I have to wait until 16^th seed is decided, from a 4-man mini-tournament, amongst the contenders being Barry Anderson (Baz Anderson... wow who’d have thought) and Lee Provost (Osirus). In the meantime, I watch Andy’s top 16 match with Christopher, where unfortunately Andy gets frozen by Christopher’s bizarre defensive special Dragonite, with game-changing consequences. I later learn that Conall (KillerConall) gave him the strange Dragonite, and am not surprised in the slightest. Though sad that Andy lost to a freeze, I wish Christopher the best and quickly learn that, as I’d suspected, Baz is the one to come through in 16^th seed. Well, it’s time to get comfortable by the projector.

Top 16 vs Baz Anderson

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Now, just let me say, games like this are why I play Pokémon. Pokémon at the highest level, with cash and prestige on the line, is one of the most intense experiences in gaming. Every turn feels like time slowed down, and every move has to be a master plan or you’ll choke. So, you might have an idea how hard this was. I don’t think a play-by-play can reflect the tenseness as well as watching the battle, so I’ll only tell you that by turn one I thought it could possibly be over, by turn two I thought it was probably over, and the rest you’ll just have to watch. Also, do bear in mind my complete Dory memory: I totally forgot tailwind was even a thing, which is why Manectric goes down. Worth noting as well is how this is probably the only match in tournament history to involve the full extent of Stance Change’s behaviour. You learn something new every day, don’t you?

It’s a shame I had to play Baz relatively early, but the game was incredible and it was better knowing he had adventure awaiting later at the gates of Satan’s Hollow. Yeah, that’s a thing in Manchester. Don’t buy their tequila, it’s like a fiver a shot. You’d get more if you licked a hobo’s armpit (Please, never do that). Somewhere around now I get my knickers in a twist because I can’t read my own watch (Hilarious in hindsight) and think it’s coming up to twenty past eight, when it’s actually an hour earlier. But time is genuinely running short, and it’s becoming clear that I’ll be hard-pressed to make it onto the last train in time.

Top 8 vs Richard Fairbrother (NidoRich)

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Now, this was a good match. NidoRich was currently the holder of the Manchester tournament title, winning it last year while I’d gone down in the top cut after making a risky move against Justin Miller (Which funnily enough happened again the other month in London). So, it was the two past Manchester winners, in a grudge match in the top 8: whoever won had a chance at being the first to win two events.

I led with my Manectric and Azumarill Lightningrod combo to his Gothitelle and Rotom-Heat. I made sure he was using Shadow Tag and not Competitive, and protected Manectric while using Belly Drum to his Reflect, which Rich predicted but couldn’t do anything about since I protected on the Overheat. I keep pounding at him with Aqua Jet and my Aegislash, and eventually get the win.

Fortunately for me, I already knew the trials and tribulations of Gothitelle from playing it myself, so I was able to capitalise on that hard. Rich played well, but I think it was basically decided on my good matchup and experience with Gothitelle. If you don’t need to switch, you don’t need to worry about Shadow Tag!

Top 4 vs Anis Haque (El Fenomeno)

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Anis was on a roll today, having somehow top cut despite forgetting his Kangaskhan’s mega stone for more than half of his battles. It’s a tough game, but I manage to pull through by playing unpredictably. You’ll probably get the idea by this point, so I’ll leave it to the video. A fine match with one of Pokémon’s finest gentlemen!

Final vs Mark McQuillan (woohpahking123)

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After a testing string of top cut matches in quick succession, it’s time for the final. Everything feels quite surreal, firstly because wow I’m in the final again, and secondly because of rum. I’ll leave it to the video, so you can enjoy that gut-wrenching first turn without me spoiling it. Of all the times for that to happen, it had to be the final. Also, check out that self-targeting. And yes, I did completely forget about Tailwind, both times it was used no less. To think, I had absolutely no idea why the crowd was “Oooooh”-ing the moody speed drop, and was like “What but I outspeed him anyway”.

Good game, Woohpahking! Your username might still be spelt wrong, but it’s only been a year since you literally strolled into the Manchester #5 Juniors division final (Two competitors in Juniors, like fifty times that in Masters, this happened), and you’ve potential to get really good.

And now, with the time approaching twenty five to nine... It was time to get home intact.

There and Back Again (Damn it Gandalf Why Couldn’t You Call the Eagles)

Time was running so thin, I had to pick up my prizes and after some quick photos which were probably ruined by the fact that years of ironic duckfacing has left me incapable of not duckfacing in photographs (It’s a hard life), myself, Jack, Adam and Andy had to properly run across the centre of Manchester with several bags full of swag. Somehow, we all ended up running and singing, or rather shouting, the terrible Sonic the Hedgehog song “Escape from the City”, which would’ve been the single lamest thing in the world if it wasn’t so funny. “Rolling around at the speed of sound”? Christ almighty. Anyway, we managed to make it onto the train right on the minute, and found out that ironically it’d been delayed for twenty minutes anyway, so we simply took the good seats. Up until now, I’d never taken the last westbound train from Manchester, so I was used to jolly Yorkshiremen and their flat caps on their way home for fee an’ chee. Wonder why I made a scouser joke earlier? Yes, the train was full of drunken scousers. Now, there’s nothing wrong with being from near Liverpool, and I don’t intend to peddle a stereotype (Even if the only prominent scouse trainer did steal my phone once), but this was something else. A girl who couldn’t even stand up straight came up to Jack, stroked his face, and said “Sorry I thought you were someone I knew”. Some old guy threw up on a chair and passed out on his hands and knees in the aisle, while his mate loudly proclaimed “Yeah he’s alright just let him settle”. There was a guy repeatedly shouting “Cor who wants a dirty kebab?!” in a weird voice, as if it got funnier every time he said it. People were fighting and popping balloons and my God, it was dreadful but hilarious. There was even another old bald guy sat with his very young East Asian wife, who’d been struck with the most awful attack of hiccups I’ve ever seen, and for a whole leg of the journey just sat there laughing and making really bad one-liners at every one while she was trying to tell him to "shu-*hic* u-*hic*p it's not *hic* fu*hic*ny". Adam buried his face into his bag trying not to laugh, and Jack had to help by holding a water bottle between his legs as a distraction and excuse for in case he laughed. Jokes as cheesy as “Does Chester Zoo even have chimps?” “Not any more, they’re all here” were uttered. I don’t know if this is abnormal or not for the last train through Knutsford, since my experiences do tend to be on the stranger side (See: the “Naked Superman with Socks in his Mouth” story from Comic-Con), but this was without a doubt the weirdest train journey I’ve taken in some time. And one of them involved someone dressed as Neo from the Matrix pretending to bullet-time on the Los Angeles subway, which would’ve been funny if he didn’t look like he wanted to stab someone. Probably the highlight though was having to run to change trains, and noticing that Jack had disappeared. “Where’s that knob head gone?!?!” “He’s over there on... that vending machine...” “Oi! What are you playing at?” “Getting a Yorkie...” *Jack produces a... raisin-flavoured Yorkie and my previously-quiet brother chips in* “...It’s not even the good one!”. Lovely times.

All in all, great day out! Winning was just the icing on the cake, really. So happy about going unbeaten, too, and being the only person to win it twice. Topping with Andy was great as well: we’ve both held the record of best-performing brit at Worlds for at least a couple of years each, so I loved seeing him back on form.

-        Huge thanks to Adam, Jack and Andy for coming with me! And to everyone on the staff, and everyone who helped me to get my team ready! Also totes amazeballs thanks to Adam for the beautiful contents of the mystery package: Sweet Bro and Hella Jeff magnets and a t-shirt! For me! <censored> incredible.

-        Love you all, Pokémon people! So good to see you all! Except Kyriakou, pffft moving house isn’t that important, get on my level!

-        Thank you for the prizes, Nintendo UK! I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that prizes went down this year because of the very nice Winter Championship but please don’t try to scale them back when the tournaments are still growing, the prizes keep things exciting and it’s not nice having to beat the other finalist for the only console. Please take it back to consoles for finalists, with some more stuff for third and fourth!

-        I was the only top 4 player to not be using Dark Void Smeargle. People have really strong opinions on him being legal (Hehe that rhymed), and while personally I still believe he’s bad, he could certainly be called “cheap” because he’s harder to defeat than he is to use. I definitely stand by my opinion that Smeargle should top cut, but shouldn’t ever win a tournament. Watch my games, and you’ll see that Dark Void gives an early advantage, but as soon as it wears off, Smeargle’s close to dead weight, which is what balances him out. So, I’d say I agree with TPCI in unbanning Dark Void.

-      In fact, the name of this report is a bit of a cheeky dig at Smeargle users. There's a famous quote by Nietzsche, the only philosopher edgy enough to be read by Seto Kaiba. "Battle not with monsters lest you become a monster, and if you stare into the abyss it stares back at you". I think he was trying to say that you become what you do, and if you do nothing you become empty. And since abyss and void mean nearly the same thing, and since Dark Void Smeargle is like... a totally empty autopilot, I think using it degrades your ability to play to your best. ...Pretty cool name, right?

-        Glad you lot enjoyed Satan’s Hollow! It had Baz written all over it when he mentioned going out in Manchester, so I had to tell him about it. Will join you sometime I don’t have a train!

-        Lastly, I just have to point out how Pokémon tournaments in good-quality bars are like, the best thing ever. Yes, it’s obviously a lot more adult-oriented than an official VGC. But at the same time that obviously makes it better! If everyone remembered to wash then it’d be toootally perfect.

I hope you’ve enjoyed reading! Sorry it was a little long, but I tried to keep it entertaining.

Look forward to the next Pokémon event! With luck I’ll see you there.

-Zog